Pictures of Doom

Living in Orlando has robbed me of quite a few things over the years. Most notably, I haven’t seen an actual mailbox in all that time. Well, I have, just not a fun mailbox with one of those flags, so the mailman knows when there is something in there for him. In return, you always know when the mail comes so you don’t walk outside like an asshole a few times a day, returning with empty hands.

All I ever had in Orlando was a lock box at the end of the street or gathered somewhere in the maze of an apartment complex, surrounded by other lock boxes of other residents. It was like a prison for mail. Nothing quaint or fun about that at all.

But in my new crib, in the midst of the sticks, I finally have a mailbox again. She is a stained white (from years of weathered abuse) plastic box with an equally weathered flag that raises proudly whenever she contains letters that need to be sent. She is indeed a glorious bastard (and this was drawn without a mouse).

Mailbox of Doom (Michael Ferraro - 7/2008)

The following narrative took place during the last Friday of the June of 2008. It was my last day of full time employment and my second-to-last day of residency in the city of Orlando. I woke up that day with a sense of urgency. There is nothing like the last day of work to put a smile on your face. There was some sadness to it though… as I will miss a few things. Like grabbing nickel beers every Friday at the BBQ joint, when I was really only supposed to be “picking up lunch”, then coming back to the office hammered without anyone really knowing. Plus the chaps I worked with were all good people and even threw me a party at one of their residences the weekend prior, where I drank half a bottle of Johnny Walker Black and won $60 in a game of poker.

When I arrived to work that Friday morning, late as usual, I saw everyone standing outside of our office. As my vessel drew closer, I noticed the window which made up our entire door was gone. It was smashed; shattered into a million pieces by a large chuck of broken cement. “What happened?” I inquired upon arrival. My boss looks at me and says, “We were burgled dude.”

I ran to my office, not really paying attention to the other surrounding damage. The day prior, I took every single Illustrator file for every single Picture of Doom and backed them all up on a DVD-R. It was all of my master works, including some which haven’t seen the light of day. These were to be used in future entries.

I got to my office and looked in with horror. The DVD-R I put all this shit on was still in the computer. I don’t know why I didn’t take it out. Maybe because I knew I had to be in the next day, and that I would grab it then. I don’t know. But my desk was naked on top. Some cocksucking, uncle-fucking, redneck, drug addict, pawn shop loving, fuck face grabbed my sweet year old iMac off my desk. This fucking thief (which shall be his name forever onward) took all of the Macs out of our office and left all the shitty PCs.

But fuck that shit - this motherfucker took my Pictures of Doom. Now my dreams of printing them on various items (coffee mugs, mousepads, etc…) for your enjoyment are over. Gone, like the window of the door. In an instant.

So that explains why I’ve been absent for the last couple of weeks (not to mention that I moved - which will provide many a story soon). This thief has yet to be found. Even if he was though, I doubt I’d see my poor disc again. She is gone, like the wind. And I will miss her and all her drawings I provided her. Fucking bastards.

But in light of the recent darkness, I am now back. Having 68 readers a week really hurts my feelings. So tell your friends.

This poor, shattered, window (Michael Ferraro - 7/2008)

Again, this was drawn without a mouse. So pardon the sweetness.

Sorry guys. I’m in New Jersey right now, so I’ve been pretty absent of the illustration. I didn’t even draw one for fireworks. How lame am I? Regardless, I did find a second to draw this picture for you… but take note. This picture was illustrated without a mouse. I drew it with the weird touchpad thing on my laptop. So it was pretty hard. I hope you enjoy.

Where have you been? (Michael Ferraro - 7/2008)

I promise. I will post my quota of 10 pictures this month. I will get my 36 daily readers back. Yes, that was indeed sarcasm.

Hey people. It’s been over a week since I last blogged. “But why?” you ask? Simple. I moved. But before I moved, some asshole broke into my office and stole my computer, full of every picture I ever drew. Fucking bastards.

So I’ll be back shortly, with a detailed story and picture of the incident, real soon. So calm down. And don’t forget about me… because I didn’t forget about you.

George Carlin No More (Michael Ferraro - 6/2008)

“I look at it this way… For centuries now, man has done everything he can to destroy, defile, and interfere with nature: clear-cutting forests, strip-mining mountains, poisoning the atmosphere, over-fishing the oceans, polluting the rivers and lakes, destroying wetlands and aquifers… so when nature strikes back, and smacks him on the head and kicks him in the nuts, I enjoy that. I have absolutely no sympathy for human beings whatsoever. None. And no matter what kind of problem humans are facing, whether it’s natural or man-made, I always hope it gets worse.” — George Carlin

Or is it the other way around? Regardless, I noticed over at Bloggy Award that they were kind enough to give me, Pictures of Doom, a pretty positive write-up. I feel so glamorous now. And with this review could come more readers, right?

My favorite quote in the entire piece is, “Some of the topics may not be deemed proper by some people but hey, the blog has its own target readers who can appreciate the topics.” They gave me a perfect 10 in the Reading Enjoyment section of the review. Yeah, that’s right. You know you enjoy it. I’ll be back with more pictures tomorrow.

I’ve been trying to incorporate a new learning style in the education system but I have been having some challenges with various school boards across the country, due to how radical the thinking style is. Since I can’t get it approved just yet, I figured the next best thing would be to post it here for the world (or at least 13 dedicated readers) to see. Here is the 1st chapter of my new book, Lifenomics: How to Live Life Without Being a Fucktard (by Michael Ferraro, title pending).

There has been a lot of hullabaloo over a group of high school chicks in Massachusetts who made a pact to get themselves pregnant. Now, people all over the place must be scratching their heads thinking, “Where were these sluts when I was kid?” I can’t help but think that this sort of thing might have been prevented. You see, there are sorts of schools all over America who try to teach kids about not having sex instead of what happens when you do have sex. They don’t share about STDs and pregnancies. They simply say, “Don’t have sex before marriage or God will fuck you in the mouth with Hell.” That’s fucking stupid. Let’s face it, America is a boring place to the average teenager. Fucking makes time go by.

Over the course of my life, I have developed a sort of system that, well, I can say… it’s worked pretty amazing for me so far. On top of being one of the only males I know who actually get themselves tested every single year, I also follow a strict set of rules (developed by yours truly) to assist with maximum chance of not getting an STD, and ultimately making the chance for the worst STD ever (children) simply non-existent.

I call it the patented Michael Ferraro’s Three P System. It works so well in fact, that I am currently working with the Bush Administration to get this to be a strict school criteria in every state but he’s too fucking religious to allow proper Sexual Education into his world. Regardless, here are the simple steps to guide yourself to becoming a responsible sexually active teenager (or adult).

Step 1: Prophylactic (Michael Ferraro - 6/2008)

• 1. Prophylactic: No children, this is not the name for some fancy dinosaur you saw in a Jurassic Park movie when you were 12. Instead, it’s a fancy name for a condom. Condoms are rubber skins that go over your penis to help prevent STDs (like Herpes, Aids, and Pregnancy)

Step 2: Pull-Out Before Climax (Michael Ferraro - 6/2008)

• 2. Pull-Out: You may ask yourself why the male would have to pull-out when he already has protection on. Simple. Let’s say you’re making a go of this whole fuck thing. First he’s on top, then she’s on top, then someone is hitting it from the backside, then she spins around on the topside again. Needless to say, latex can only last for so long. So if you’re lasting longer than 10 minutes, you always want to be on the safe side. Pull it out before climaxing. You don’t want to find out later that the condom broke and his boys are swimming through your fallopian tubes or whatever. No 13 year-old girl should have to deal with that.

Step 3: The Pill (Michael Ferraro - 6/2008)

• 3. Pill: You might now be thinking, “Well, we used a condom and he pulled out, so why would I need to be on the pill or any other Birth Control (BC) device?” There is an easy answer for that, retard. The first two steps still, when practiced with perfection, aren’t 100%. Sure, it’s probably 99% effective, but you’re still missing that one percent. So get on the pill, patch, shot - anything BC related.

The moral of this Lifenomics lesson is that it is up to both parties involved to prevent STDs and practice safe sex. Sex is fun. You don’t want to lose that privilege the penetrate each other’s genital areas because you got the crabs or the herpes or, god forbid, a child. Practice Michael Ferraro’s Three P System and you’ll be on your way to a long and safe sexual lifestyle. I’m 27 years-old and it hasn’t failed me yet.

I went to this gay bar last night to hang out with a friend and her lesbian friends. These places always intrigue me because everyone is so fucking friendly. Seriously. Gay bars are the only places I’ve ever gotten a free drink in my life. Also, I’m a straight guy, so observing the other side of the fence and how open they are is quite a sight to behold. These people are so fucking friendly (and happy).

I had to go to the bathroom at one point to release the 4 or 5 drinks I had. As everyone knows, I don’t urinate in urinals because there are too many negative factors (some have a large splash factor, others have no walls between them). So I was in a stall. There was these two gents next to each other, using the urinal, engaged in a conversation.

The conversation was so Oscar worthy, I decided to include it in my upcoming screenplay entitled, “Set Me On Fire” about the trials and tribulations of a family living on the edge of dysfunction. Copyright 2008 Michael Ferraro. Let’s call these gents Dan and Hubert for the sake of argument.

DAN:
…I told him I had red pubes dude, he didn’t believe me.

HUBERT:
No you don’t man, your hair is blonde.

DAN
I know but my curtains don’t match the sheets. Or, wait, how does that go?

HUBERT
I think it’s curtains don’t match the carpet or something.

DAN
Oh. That’s stupid. But here, check them out man.

Hubert peers to Dan’s urinal and looks down towards his manhood.

HUBERT
Oh my God, you are a red head! Awesome.

Hubert and Dan chuckle. CHARLES, a 20-something man, walks in at this exact moment.

HUBERT
Hey Charles, dude look at Dan’s pubes.

Charles moves towards him and looks down towards Dan’s manhood.

CHARLES
Sweet man, they’re red! Dan’s carpet doesn’t match the curtains.

Do you like my pubes? (Michael Ferraro - 6/2008)

Film geeks aside, the name Stan Winston might not mean all that much to you. But if you’ve ever seen Terminator, T2, Predator, Aliens or The Monster Squad, you have experienced Winston’s amazing skill with traditional effects. He created the Predator creature, the Terminator endoskeleton, the Queen Alien, and even the dinosaurs from Jurassic Park. He was a master at not using computer-generated effects. You watch something like T2 and compare it any modern piece of shit (like the new Indy or something), that puppetry looks so much more convincing. This guy even helped Iron Man look as good as it did.

He died a few a days ago. And with it, I’m sure the death of traditional (’real’) effects will probably die with him. The world of cinema will probably be run with computer-generated effects all the more often. So movies will continue to look hollow and depth-less. Stan was the man (and I am not saying that because it rhymes). He will be missed.

The Immortal Stan Winston (Michael Ferraro - 6/2008)

It has been almost 6 days since my last entry. I don’t want to be one of those bloggers who claim ‘life is to busy’ and such, but that’s the real deal. There is a lot of action going on here. Plus, I barely have internet at my house right now, so it’s hard to upload new business.

Enough about me, how have you guys been? Good? That’s good to hear. Did you see that new Hulk movie or did you see The Happening? I pretty much liked that green monster film but have been a little scared to see that other one. I just don’t know if I can rock that style, naw mean?

But all of this is pointless really. Stupid questions to make up for my lack of an interesting story or what not. I have, however, come up with an idea to tackle this summer. I am going to be creating some pictures in the real world. Yes, you read right… I am going to take on the art of real art - painting with real brushes on a real canvas. How crazy is that? Depending on how they turn out, maybe some of you might be interested in an authentic Picture of Doom, eh?

Or not. Whatever. For now, here is another binary drawing of absolute doomness. I promise more tales of intrigue and delirium before the week is over. But none of this matters to any of you right? Because no one reads this blog anymore anyways. I guess everyone is tired of me recycling the same Illustrator tools over and over, thus making all my brilliant masterworks look the same. Sorry. How about this?

Mr. Coffee Mug (Michael Ferraro - 6/2008)